Life, Roles, and Motherhood All Lead Me Back to Self~ Evolution Is Circular

I have not blogged since giving birth to my beautiful son on June 22, 2011.

Motherhood is one of those direct experiences that could never be fully described with words.

In short, it is an exhausting selfless role that gives me more fulfillment and perspective than a million lifetimes of enlightenment. It is complete, with the ying and yang. Motherhood teaches attachment with the awareness of detachment. It is the ability to experience it all with the same person to the strongest degree. I am completely devoted to my son unconditionally. I am also aware he will one day leave me to continue his own journey of self-discovery. I am humbled by the experience and complete drained from it.

As he gets older I have more and more energy to put into different projects. Energy my husband is strongly encouraging me to put into practice. He suggests I meditate, write, read, and do hatha yoga.

I mostly want to sleep and eat.

About give years ago I read a book explaining the different goddess archetypes and the authors shared that while they were studying the specific goddesses they felt more inclined towards certain habits.

For example, researching the goddesses Aphrodite made them more prone to sexual relationships.  Hera’s nurturing watchfulness on the other hand had the authors more prone to overeat.

Nurturing is literally giving of yourself, your time, your money, your wisdom, and most importantly your energy.

It is only natural to feel a bit empty after being so nurturing and turn the quickest most superficial way of filling myself, by eating or sleeping.

But like the commonly used quote by Anais Nin says, “I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.”

So here I am; back to the drawing board. Taking more time to myself to read and write, and sit… especially sit.  Mostly sit and reflect.

Because as much as I love being a wife and mother these are just roles. 

Small sectors of the Higher Self I came from, and I intend to go back to.

Evolution is a circular spiritual experience where we learn, apply, and re-learn the lessons that are intended for us based on our karma. We are circular like the galaxies and planets. We are connected to all of it, including one another. When I fully experience and understand this, then I will know God. 

Until then, I must practice.

Enjoy you Sunday loves.

-         

            ~ Diosa Dominicana

Namaste

brain chatter

Dear Negative Thought Patterns,
“I appreciate your ability to think thoughts and feel emotions, but I am really not interested in thinking these thoughts or feeling these emotions anymore. Please stop bringing this stuff up.” – Jill Bolte Taylor

or
Cancel
Cancel
Cancel
Cancel.

almost done with jill bolte taylor's stroke of insight and just finished reading how it takes 90 seconds for your body to have a reaction to a specific situation. in 90 seconds one of our programs can be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our bloodstream. . . wow @ 90 seconds. so any time we are still "angry" or really reacting after that is a choice we are making whether we realize it or not. after about two years or finding the positive in every situation i spent the last year focusing on the negative. i was hurt/betrayed/etc. i decided it was important to me to 'pay more attn' to how i could be hurt by a situation and how to be prepared and protected from the pain.
it has been exhausting. draining. a journey from, instead of TO mySelf. i read a book review yesterday in my oprah magazine (magazines and oprah both bring me great joy) on a story of a 39 yo woman that gets into an accident and has a bad case of amnesia. she begins living her life after the accident as a positive, pregnant, happily married woman. the truth is she was in the process of a divorce and devastated about being pregnant. . . i'm not sure how the story ends. i'll have to pick it up. at first i thought how horrific to no longer have the memories to remind you of the pain. our memories protect us, but now i may be changing my tune. if you are not living in the clouds and really paying attention to the current moment~ the beautiful now~ is it really that bad to let go of the past? ... is there a diff between letting go of the past and letting go of negative thought patterns? how are they alike? 4am brain chatter~ while i listen to the thunder outside~ still waiting for my baby to arrive~ moving july 1st~this is my life, now.

Today

There is no glamour on the path to higher consciousness.

Dear 2010,

Thank you.

I have been so ungrateful for the many lessons you’ve taught and, despite my resistance, continue to try and teach me.

In order to surrender to the gratitude my spirit feels for you I will need to divorce a state of mind~

Everything that has happened this year I’ve relinquished all responsibility for and sweetly slid into the victim role. Part of me asked “What is it all trying to teach me?” but a greater part of me cried and refused to learn from my mistakes.

How could I take credit for a sickness coming into my life? Clearly I must have had nothing to do with it, and yet everything I believe in about karma, law of attraction, and the power of my spirit makes this so.

Everything you have brought me, 2010, I created. Thank you.

Thank you for helping me better understand that I cannot expect chocolate cake, expect chocolate cake, but really hope I get vanilla. Then blame something outside myself for bringing me chocolate cake. It’s self-defeating to continue to remain ignorant, especially when I’m not so ignorant…

Thank you for teaching me how impermanent all of life is, and for reminding me the last couple of days I will have with you, that my purpose in this life is to learn, grow, and evolve. My purpose in this life is to change.

It is not to grow attached to relationships as I once saw and experienced them. I am not here to separate myself from others out of insecurity and spite. No. I am not here to hate, hold a grudge, and continue to vilify my boss, my fiancé, my parents, etc for imparting on me experiences and lessons increasing my level of consciousness.

In 2008 I found liberation.
In 2009 I found power.
In 2010 I found humility.

For the past 2 years I had been searching for love, looking for love, and being completely open too all things love related.
2010 did not teach me about love. It taught me about all the guards I put up against it.

Thank you.

In 2010…

Pude pasar mas tiempo con mi familia.

Mi grande, complicada, maravillosa familia.

I found, lost, found, and then “lost” myself a million times, and a million ways.

I disconnected when my ego wasn’t ready to surrender and I connected when my spirit was dying of thirst.

I devoted mySelf physically, emotionally, and spiritually to my fiancé in ways I never thought possible.
I was humbled by my commitment, and at times resentful of it.

I did exactly what I was supposed to do.

I acted up to my level of consciousness and I kept going. Even when I knew I wasn’t going in the right direction, I kept going. I trusted in life, love, and the universe enough to know if I just kept going I would eventually start going towards the right path.

I did not give up on anything or anyone this year. That is what I am most proud of in 2010. I did not give up on anything or anyone this year.

The only thing I almost gave up was 2010’s meaning and worth.
I’m lucky. I have a really amazing soulmate who calls me out way too often and reminds me of who and what I really am by just existing . . . His words help, and his love is one of the greatest gifts I’ve received in this life, but ultimately just him existing reminds me of who and what I really am….
Wow… I guess when I put it like that every other ex who’s proposed and wanted to start a life with me really had no chance when there is a man out there who can do so much by having just been born.

Our minds wander, our path purpose and message become unclear, and all of life seems to be in complete chaos and without any order~

And yet everything is perfect and always working itself out for the better, if you just wait long enough.

Remain open. There is something bigger than you know going on here- Yyanla Vanzant

Diosa

december 2010~

We carry around pain, hurt and betrayal like they are ours; we are their exclusive proud owners. Anything that has happened to us is still happening, except of course that it is not~ When we are letting old experiences still affect our emotions in the current moment we are living in the past.

I am living in the past, all 2010 of it.

This is why I am so happy it is December, almost January. My favorite month of the year is always January. It reminds of the power of rebirth, which is often more powerful than birth itself.

It is such a powerful time of year, when so many of us are conscious and accepting of how change and endings bring way to new beginnings. This energy propels our own egos to let go~
During this time I go back and read my first journal entries in January 2010. They are filled with hope and authentic joy for being given the opportunity to try again.

This was not exactly the year I had intended, but the beauty is that it never is. Heartbreak and betrayal are never on our To Do lists or on our list of resolutions. It is the events we least expect that paralyze us the most when they happen.

Once again I will sit and declutter my mind and space long enough to hear mySelf tell myself the things I’d like and intend on creating this year. Of course anything outside what I want to happen will happen as well. This is such an obvious truth that had escaped me last year. As a result the biggest unexpected and unwanted events of this year paralyzed me.

With this new consciousness I intend on experiencing the troubled times more gracefully, more intact, and more aware of my power. This is a power no event or other person can take away or manipulate, without my permission.

Although I trust and love how life is always unfolding beautifully for us, who or where it takes me will not dictate who I become this year. In 2011 I will have more control over who I Am being.
I will leave you with this beautiful fable~ I hope the magic of the season helps you to let go of that which does not serve you, as it is helping me.

A woman is swimming across a lake. She's holding a rock. As she swims, she tires. The rock is pulling her down. People on the shore urge her to drop the rock. She swims on, tiring as she swims. The people shout louder. She can barely keep her head above the water. "Why won't you drop it?" they shout. As she sinks beneath the surface, she cries out one last time, "Because it's mine!"

If you were not born with it is it not ‘yours’~ it is merely part of your experience, and you have the ability, if you so choose, to drop it...

There is nothing wrong.

Today.

I’m not really stressing anything.

This is a hectic time. A lot is happening and changing. I wish I had it more under control but all things considered I’m pretty proud of myself this year. I will do better next year.

I was crying and whining this morning when I woke up. “We don’t have a place to live. I didn’t talk to Kenneth before he went to bed. I just spent $100 on a car battery/oil/etc that I didn’t want to spend. I miss shoes lol. Work hasn’t slowed down at all and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Life is so hard blah blah blah.”

I could also hear my soul reply with “But remember to be grateful. At least you have the deposit money and the battery money and the money for the things you need most. Work is hard but at least you’re working. Relationships are hard but at least you’re with the one person you’ll always want to be with. Stop worrying about what it looks like. Everything is ok.”

But it was no use. My ego wanted to continue to cry.

Then I went to the bathroom to take a shower and head to work, saying to myself, "I probably won't even have time to shower. Life is so hard lately." When I noticed my dad had gone to the bathroom on himself, the living room, the kitchen and bathroom floor… There were no tears or stress. Life happens. People shit on themselves sometimes. You just clean it up and keep it moving. There is nothing wrong.

My ego has shut up since then. If you're whining and crying nothing is probably really wrong. When real tragedies occur there is silence, a stillness, and you just do what needs to get done to clean it up. The conversation in our heads (egos) isn't necessary.

I definitely chose this life.

~Diosa

simplemente~

I am 24 years old.

I was very ambitious as a child, straight-A student, 1450 on SAT (when 1600 was the most you could score), certificates, town recognition for volunteering, constantly winning writing contests, painting, receiving the English Math and Science awards for my grade (high school), loving, helping and healing people. I was best friends with all the prettiest girls in school, and the not so pretty ones. I was known for being good and kind. I was 15 with $5,000 in my bank account. Something I earned on my own. For someone who came from nothing that was A LOT~
I was going places.

Then I turned seventeen. I’m not sure what died in me that year, but there was a definite shift. I started cutting school. I almost wasn’t allowed to graduate from high school for too many unexcused absences. I had to get each of my teacher’s approval before the principal would allow me to graduate. I had no problem with the academic teachers, but of course my gym teacher was a different story. Gym is one of the classes where all I had to do was show up and try. Since I wasn’t really showing up the teacher didn’t think it was fair to let me graduate without summer school.
My mother came in and had a talk with her. That was that. It is really hard to say no to my mother.

At 17 I became arrogant and cynical (ja! don’t we all!). I felt like I had this world all figured out, and I wasn’t impressed.

I went to college, but with no passion, vision, or plan. I went because it seemed like the natural next step for someone like me.

But I still did not find passion. It all looked the same to me. I could see the professors as students and the students as one-day teachers, and the system just did not, again, impress me.

These people weren’t being taught, or teaching to transcend and evolve. We were all learning and teaching to do the same things.

I couldn’t help but make a connection between us and the people in Plato’s Allegory of the Cave.

When I didn’t prioritize school I would whisper to myself “tis better to become the poor man’s slave than the poor man’s master.”

I was desperate to find something or someone that would take me above ground and expose my eyes to real light. Someone who would then show me how things I once believed were concrete were only shadows and figments of my imagination.

I was desperately searching for truth. Not beliefs. Not judgments. Just truth. Authenticity. Something I didn’t have to see thru because it wasn’t hidden. Something eternal. Something real. Something beyond ego.

That’s around the time I found yoga and meditation and him. My spirit was awakened. I was captivated and amazed with life once more. It was like a bolt of energy was sent down my spine and my whole spirit was revived.

That’s the “long story short” of course.

At the rate I was going I was expected to have my college degree, be a published author, and at least own my own house by now~ or so they tell me.

For a long time I felt they were right. That’s the danger with outside voices. You pay them enough attention and they start to sound like your own. To the point where you stop being able to tell which one is yours and which isn’t.

It wasn’t until this evening that I realized I’m not as far behind as I thought, or really as I had been telling myself.

Some of my favorite authors waited until their late 30s or even later 50s to find their passion and purpose~ after years of research and writing women like Elizabeth Gilbert and Geneen Roth are finally being appreciated and admired for their work.

Maybe it’s not too late for any of us to go back towards living our destiny~

Perhaps we’re all right on time~

“Catherine Ingram tells a story in her book Passionate Presence about a young friend of hers who said, “Pretend you are surrounded by a thousand hungry tigers. What would you do?” Catherine said, “Wow, I don’t know what I would do. What would you do?” her young friend said, “I’d stop pretending!”

an excerpt from Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God

wake up~

Diosa